10 Best Tips for Writing the Worst Emails
There are hundreds of articles which offer the shortest ways to success. However, there are just not enough articles to advise those who want to waste their money and ruin their business just for fun. If youre looking to adopt this self-destructive business model then simply follow the advice given below for writing the worst email correspondence. You will be sure to run your business into the ground in practically no time!
Tip #1
Don’t ever greet a client by his name, if you know it. Memorizing complicated names of your few clients takes too much of your precious time. After all, they all are clients, aren’t they? So, why should you distinguish them? Use neutral words like “client” or “subscriber” and you will never face the problem of mixing up client names.
Tip #2
Begin your advertising emails with the words, "If you want..."or “Do you want?..” A client will immediately start thinking, whether he really wants your service or not. Most likely he will come to the conclusion that it’s not of vital importance and there is no need in paying for it.
Tip #3
Pay more attention to the client’s flaws and complexes. Begin your letters with the description, "You have never been able to satisfy your wife? Do you suffer from your little penis?" You can use a more general and threatening variant, like "Do you think that you’ve got everything you need?"
Tip #4
Make it clear from the very beginning, that your service is the most unique and it will help your client solve all the problems in the world, starting with his overdrawn credit and concluding with the war in Iraq. Really, why should you engage yourself only in adult industry? You can include a list of additional services in your ad, such as collecting garbage and weather forecasting, for example.
Tip #5
There are a jillion fonts in the world! Why should you be so foolish as to avoid using all of them in your ads? You can even type every single word in a different font! The best choice will be to use decorative fonts, for example, the Gothic one. A client will spend several pleasant minutes trying to decipher your letters and make out the numbers. In order to give him even more pleasure, type your contact email and phone number in the smallest letters. You don’t want him to find and thank you for your job, do you?
Tip #6
Don’t limit yourself to the colors in the rainbow! Express the emotions of your words by using various colors and their shades. The human eye can perceive up to 16 million colors, so why should you use only a couple of them? Remember, by using many bright and flashy colors, you help other people discover the hidden abilities of their eyes!
Tip #7
When we read, we actually talk to ourselves and pronounce every word. So, the bigger the font is, the better you will be heard! Increase the size of your font with each phrase, emphasize the most important words in your ad, thus, emphasize the whole ad! Shout at your clients, they like it!
Tip #8
Your business is the most important thing in the world and people who don’t think so are idiots, so there’s no use in working with them and taking their money! That’s why you shouldn’t bother with any explanations. Use more slang words and professional terms in your emails, make a client suffer from the inferiority complex. Never think of the ways of demonstrating the advantages of your service to him – he is to guess it himself! If he isn’t able to, he must find the information about you on his own.
Tip #9
Never make paragraphs, do not highlight anything, use no signs and/or separators. Your text is so perfect and valuable that a client must read every word of your stream of conciseness. And include more subordinate clauses beginning with words “which”, “who“, and ‘that”.
Tip #10
Never give a client any contact information – no emails, phone numbers or any messenger numbers. Insert a link to some page on your site in the body of the email and stop any further communication with a client. You can even delete the email address after you have sent all the letters – why should you waste time on a useless chat with a curious client? He must buy your products and pay for your services, but not draw you away from other important activities – drinking beer, for example.
-----
Karen is PR Coordinator for the AdultWebware Company. She has been working in the adult industry for almost two years. Karen writes articles about various problems and issues within the adult market, and her favorite topics are marketing and site promotion (including the latest approaches), a number of niches (gay/lesbian, anime/manga) and general issues of adult business world. She is open for opinions, suggestions and proposals - send your letters to karen@adultwebware.com
